Who you calling a Zork?

Zork was one of the first interactive fiction computer games. Set in a sprawling underground labyrinth the user controlled a nameless adventurer whose goal was to find treasures hidden in caves.

Zork is also the name of a resealable top for sparkling wines and Tesco have just announced that they will be adopting the closure on four of their own label fizzes – Sparkling Mateus Brut Rosé; Tesco 1531 Blanquette de Limoux; Dino Durello Spumante; and Tesco Finest Angas Brut Rosé.

Dan Jago, Tesco’s beer wines and spirits category director expressed the development through the medium of corporate b*llsh*t:

“This is great news for customers who are just looking to enjoy the odd glass of sparkling wine. The bottle can now be perfectly re-sealed and we believe the innovation will introduce more people to sparkling wine.

“The Zork top is not only safe and easy to use but also retains the satisfying pop, as well as the sense of celebration and ceremony associated with opening a bottle of sparkling wine.”

Mr Jago forgets to mention that the Sparkling Mateus Brut  Rosé is undrinkable.

He is also fails to mention whether he ever reached the status of Dungeon Master in the original Zork computer game.

Duh? Who am I? Where did I come from? HUH?

This week’s pointless wine gadget comes from the website ‘Le Moutin Noir & Co’.

It’s a wine bottle stopper with twistable date rings that allows you to keep a track of when you’ve opened your wine.

We have a major issue with this.

Firstly how bloody long are you expecting to keep an uncorked wine for!!!!?

In my experience anything over 3 days and you might as well give up on it.

If you are one of those people who opens a bottle of wine at the weekend and is still drinking it a month later then this gadget may well be for you. But let me tell you my friend, if this is the case, then you shouldn’t be drinking wine at all. Period.

Undisputed useless wine gadget of the week.

WineOfTheWeek loves the Ryder cup. WineOfTheWeek also hates Rupert Murdoch. WineOfTheWeek will not have Sky in the house. Therefore WineOfTheWeek cannot watch the Ryder Cup live. WineOfTheWeek will be listening to the Ryder Cup on BBC Radio 5 Live.

To celebrate the arrival of the greatest sporting event of them all here’s some top notch wine related golf tat:

1. The Ultimate PGA Golf Set

A sure sign that you’ve made it as a golfer is when you get your name on a bottle of wine.

So here we have a Luke Donald Collection Claret from California and an Ernie Els Red Blend from South Africa. You also get some uncorked.com tees thrown in as well as a golf towel – very useful for today’s conditions at Celtic Manor.

Be prepared to part with $129.

2. The Golf Club Bottle Holder

This is the type of quirky tat that  manufacturers tend to describe as a ‘conversation piece’. When in fact it’s simply what it is – novelty, quirky tat.

The shaft is solid maple wood and we are certainly intrigued to understand the physics behind it. Also comes in dark wood.

And that manufacturers description: “The Golf Club Wine Balancer wraps around the neck of any wine bottle to create a striking conversation piece”.

Told you.

3 . Wooden Boxed Golf Wine Stopper and Corkscrew

If you live and breathe golf and you love your wine then why wouldn’t you want a golf ball adorning your wine stopper?

If you’re one of those people who packs a bottle of wine as their extra club (in anticipation of the dross they serve at the clubhouse) then why wouldn’t you want a golf ball molded to your corkscrew?

4 Golf Bag Wine Bottle Holder

Dear Mrs WineOfTheWeek. I really want one of these! A product that needs no description.

Please feel free to forward me any other spectacular golf and wine tat over the Ryder Cup Weekend. Email me or tweet @wineoftheweek

Throw out your wine menus and roll in the iPads is the message coming from a recent article in the New York Times.

Interviewing a number of restaurateurs who have been experimenting with transferring their traditional wine menus to the digital platform, the paper claims the device has lead to a 10% rise in wine sales, though generally at the expense of beer and cocktails.

Diners are enjoying the ability to research the wine themselves and read reviews and descriptions without turning to the sommelier who, some may fear, is trying to palm off high-priced, hard-to-shift beverages with his advice.

As well as increased sales, the restaurants benefit from not having to turn out new print runs of their menus when there are changes to price or stock, and can keep the information totally up to date.

The iPad’s form carries the gravitas of a wine menu with its weight, size and respectability, but it also carries a hefty price tag so it may be some time before these are getting handed out willy-nilly at your local pub.

It’s the Japanese who blazed a trail for selling anything and everything from vending machines, but the Americans are catching up.

Pennsylvania has gone hi-tech to keep it’s tough controls on selling alcohol, whilst allowing non state-owned supermarkets to sell it for the first time.

To get hold of your favorite tipple you need to swipe your driving license, your payment card, and then blow into a breathalyser before the door will open and allow you to grab your prize.

All of this is monitored by CCTV to make sure you’re not fiddling the system with someone else’s driving license or blowing into the machine with a portable hair drier.

The system is currently on trial as they decide if it prevents abuse as well as if the customers are willing to jump through these hoops for their wine.

Rumours that Tesco is going to ask customers to blow on the cashiers before being allowed to buy alcohol have been denied.

I’ve never forgiven George Lucas for The Phantom Menace. He should never have made it and we, the Star Wars generation, should never have gone to see it. You b*stard George. You utter b*stard

For me, it’s even had the effect of de-valuing the original movies to such an extent that I just won’t have any mention of  ’A New Hope’ in the house. Until now.

Take a look at these winestoppers from the Coolstopper shop on Etsy.  I don’t know about you but I’m off to the toshi station to pick up some power converters.

Wineoftheweek can now be viewed on the iPad. I know this because I’ve just received my brand, spanking new (and shiny) piece of Apple hardware and very excited I am too.

Here in the UK, we’ve been looking enviously at our American cousins for the past few weeks while we waited for the iPad to arrive on these shores. Now it’s here and it’s time to play.

Wineoftheweek is a WordPress hosted blog so I would like to give a big shout out to the guys at WP and also the good people at WOOTHEMES on whose template wineoftheweek is built – well done guys, the site looks gorgeous on the iPad. Phew!

I don’t want to tempt fate but it looks like Summer is a coming here in the UK and that means picnic season is upon us.

From the awesome Etsy comes this Bent Walnut Picnic Wine Tote. Yes, a handcrafted walnut wood bag!

The bag is designed around your standard wine bottle size (don’t try forcing an Alsace Riesling into this puppy – there’s not a lot of ‘give’) has latigo leather staps and is lined with wool blanket.

You’ll see from the picture that the additional straps provide a handy holder for your rolled up picnic rug.

We are in awe of the craftsmanship but we have to conclude it looks as comfortable as a bed of nails.

Let’s get this straight. Your saying that as the bottle tips into the glass, the glass lights up? And then, as you tip the glass over, the light dims? But surely this way madness lies?

Utterly bizzare inventions are music to our ears here at wineoftheweek. Or rather in this case, light to our eyes. Yes folks seeing is believing so I give you the “Light Sommelier”…

Here’s a question. You’re out swimming with your wife in the cold, dark waters of Lake Michigan. Except you’re not cold. Your neoprene wetsuits are keeping you warm. At which stage do you suddenly think “I wonder if this extraordinary man made material will also keep wine cool?”.

Well, the only people who can answer this questionare Mr and Mrs Chillnjoy who’ve created these cracking little accessories for this year’s outdoor season. I’m particularly enamoured with the “instructions of use”:

Step 1: Freeze removable gel packs for cold, crisp wine; refrigerate for slightly chilled wine. Take care when removing frozen gel packs from freezer as if dropped, they could crack.

Step 2: Place chilled gel packs in interior pouches.

Step 3: Insert bottle and zip top to secure; let wine chill conveniently on-the-go.

You can buy them here.