If Google have indexed this story on the headline alone then can I please take a moment to welcome a new readership of Michael Jackson fans.

My general message to you all is – sympathies for your affliction. Feel free to post vitriolic comments.

Points will be awarded for how many Wacko references you can spot in the following (highly edited) story.  Apologies in advance to regular readers for probably the worst post I’ve ever written. Here goes…

"The nose is somewhat lacking, don't you think?"

The world’s favourite wine (and spirit) merchant Berry Bros & Rudd have released a new limited edition whisky – created in honour of one of the industry’s most respected professionals – Michael Jackson.   

I have to say that Whisky generally has a Bad affect on me and I’ve not been able to Beat It. I remember as a teenager my best mate Big Al once poured me a hefty glass of Bell’s and, not being a Whisky drinker, I asked him how much I should drink. Al replied “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough”.

After a couple of glasses I turned to my then Girlfriend, Billie Jean, and said “I Just Can’t Stop Lovin’ You so Get On The Floor”.

She was a P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) but Big Al had also taken a shine to her and, taking advantage of my inebriation,  he grabbed my lapel and screamed “The Girl is MINE!”.   

“Do You Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin?’” I drunkenly replied. “What about that Liberian Girl you’ve been eyeing up? Or, if you just want a tumble in the hay there’s always Dirty Diana!!”

Big Al, looking genuinely full of remorse, whimpered, ” I Can’t Help It, it’s just Human Nature. Dont’ mess with me, I can be Dangerous”

At which point the big man bounced me Off The Wall and our friendship was HIStory. My muffled cry “Leave Me Alone!”  fell on booze soaked walls.

Walking out of the pub that night I felt like a Stranger In Moscow. The night was hardly a Thriller and in my eyes Big Al was nothing more than a Smooth Criminal.  

To this day I  just can’t accept that She’s Out of My Life.

 God, I’m embarrassed by the crap I’ve just written. Read the real story here.